


Anathema

by justmariamay



Series: Kyrie Eleison [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel & Vessel Interactions, Angst, Betrayal, Biblical References, Character Study, Demons, Dubious Morality, Free Will, Gen, Guardian Angel Michael, Loyalty, Origin Story, The Author Regrets Everything, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-04 09:53:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14017680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justmariamay/pseuds/justmariamay
Summary: For woman — the whole Earth.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, ok... I know I spent too much time on it and it's still kinda rough and far from perfect, but... anyway, it's almost finished, I have lots of troubles with connecting sentences.  
> Lilith figure always fascinated me in general, she was a strong character in the show too and made me speculate a lot on the nature of her relationship with Lucifer. Also, the first demon? I had to do it. And on the matter of Free Will... I think Lilith understood it more than Sam and Dean, even being a demon.  
> So, give it a try if you are interested, who knows, maybe you'll find it interesting.
> 
> P.S. As usual there is way lot of Michael, perhaps even more than Lucifer, oops...

_Ah, Heaven is so far,_

_But lips are near in the dark._

_God, do not judge! You’ve never_

_Been a woman on this Earth._

Marina Tsvetaeva  

 

Her very first day was filled with rapture and joy. Miracles surround her and she is the best among them. Lilith. Loving night. Sunrays tangled in her hair, milky skin, so smooth and soft it's hard to believe she was a mere clod of earth not so long ago. Now she's a body that breathes, a heart that beats, a skin that feels, eyes that see and soul that loves.

She loves. Everything. Everyone. Every creature she shares the gift of life with. She loves red flowers Adam puts in her hair. She does love Adam. It’s simple, she is for him and he is for her. Or so it should be. Or so she believed.

She doesn’t understand, why one time it feels so wrong. They’ve done it many times since they were made, there’s nothing different. Or maybe this is it. Nothing is different. She knows exactly what Adam will do and how.

She gently pushes at his shoulder.

“Can we?.. Not like this,” her voice breaks a little. “Please.”

But he only smiles and kisses her. All of sudden, the ground underneath feels cold and Adam’s hands pinning her down don’t feel safe. They always leave her bruised, make her bleed under her skin.

_No…_

“No,” she resolves and takes all her strength to get free from Adam’s hold and roll away from under his weight.

She runs away into the bosk. For the first time in her life she feels… bad. Her eyes are prickling with salty water not from pain, but from strenghlessness. Why couldn’t Adam understand? But she’s glad he took it for a simple selfish whim, that he didn’t realize how easily he could break her if he wanted to.

She runs into an angel near the First Tree. She doesn’t even notice him at first, red blossoms on black naked branches captivate her, for a moment making her forget anything but this beauty. But then she sees him sitting down, looking at her… well, differently than he usually does. It’s the first angel she knew and one of the few who talks to her. She sits next to him and draws her knees to her chest. It doesn’t make her feel safer.

“It’s unfair,” Lilith says.

Angel doesn’t understand. Truthfully, she doesn’t either. If her Creator is so wise, didn’t he foresee this? Did he intentionally make her weak and defenseless? She doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want to be afraid. And if nothing changes, she’ll be afraid forever. 

“What do I do?” Lilith hugs her knees even tighter. “I love Adam. I love him so much, but he doesn’t listen!” She raises her wet eyes to her guardian, pleading him for an answer, or at least for consolation. “He is going to hurt me again,” she realizes, without fear this time, fear has already emptied her.

She is surprised to see an emotion on angel’s face. Fleeting as it is, its piercing clearness awakens her from this numb sensation. She expects him to remind her that she is made for Adam and belongs to Adam, that she mustn’t fight him. She wants to hear it, she wants to resign to Lord’s will, she wants no matter how weak and dirty it would make her feel. She isn’t given what she wants.

The angel leans down and whispers the Name, the Word, into her ear. Lilith looks at her guardian quizzically, but he doesn't say anything else. Her heartbeat quickens painfully as she realizes what it means, what she is given. Freedom.

She falters but nods, and angel leaves her to her thoughts. Choice... now that she has to make it, it seems much more difficult. What she surrenders and what she gets... are those things equal in price?

"Freedom," Lilith murmurs to herself. Such a strange word. Such beautiful word. She can't wait to learn it in its full measure.

She pumps air into her lungs, as much as she's capable of, and shouts out God's name, to make sure He will hear. At first silence swallows everything around. Then Eden disappears in a whirl of white feathers and crimson petals...

Someone’s warm hands let her down, sheltering wings are gone and wind pierces her naked body. Lilith is standing on the frozen ground, staring into blue sky. She starts walking, feeling cold, but unburdened and lighter than snowflakes that kiss her cheeks with cold gentleness.

******

Lilith would lie if she said she didn’t regret her decision at all. So many times she wanted to fall on her knees and pray for forgiveness. But what was there to be sorry for truly?

She misses the warmth and safety of Eden. On Earth nature is harsh. It tests Lilith with cold and heat, with sharp stones under her feet and hungry animals. She is an easy prey. She can’t run as fast as them, she is weak, but she learns fast. She survives.

She misses Adam. Being without him is hard. He was all she ever knew, her one and only. Her husband. Her destiny. Her other half she can’t help longing for.

But she is not nothing without him. And it makes her move forward.

******

Lilith lives her live and stays away from Adam and his Eve when they are exiled from Eden. She doesn't care why. She doesn't care why sky is so restless and why stars fall every single night. It doesn't concern her. She is alone, but not lonely. 

Her life simply goes on and on until one day she finds a man where no man should be. Lilith is alerted. She knew what Adam was like, this one is probably the same. But he seems helpless. Maybe not entirely harmless. He heavily leans on wooden stick. Beaten. Everything about him is damaged. His face is hidden behind long dirty tangly hair.

Lilith reaches for him, mostly out of curiosity, she hasn't seen people so close for too long. He flinches away like a scared animal. It amuses her. Mostly because it reminds her of herself.

"Why are you so afraid?"

Men shouldn’t be afraid, right? It was her, who had to be in fear.

The man stares at her dumbly, then pushes away his dark hair revealing an ugly red scar that starts on his forehead, twists and ends on his jaw. He waits to be hurt, she realizes. Silly man. Looking closer Lilith can't help observing that he bears strong semblance to her supposed mate. She doesn't like it because it wakes her own fears. But she doesn’t show them.

She helps him up and as she’s about to withdraw her hand he refuses to let go. His hold is hesitant, unsure, but firm. Sense of desperation all over him. She lets him hold on and leads him to the water. She cleans his wounds with patience, humming an easy tune. 

His staring annoys her, she tells him to stop and he does. But it starts all over again in a matter of minute. Has he never seen a woman before? Or another human being? When he finally speaks his voice is rough from disuse.   

“Who are you?” he asks in wonder.

“I’m Lilith,” it’s the first time she says her own name. Strange feeling. Strange and good.  

"Beautiful name," he smiles and then looks away in shame, like it’s a crime.

"I didn’t choose it. God gave it to me," explains Lilith. Man cringes and his expression becomes twisted as if in pain. "How should I call you?" Should she ask?

"Cain," he looks at her pointedly. He thinks she has to know that name. Then he trails his finger along his scar. "And this is what God gave to me."

Lilith feels her eyes widen. She hums thoughtfully.

"It seems, you offended Him more than I did."

"What did you do?" he asks curiously.

"I said ‘no’ to the man," her voice sounds challenging.

"Is that all?" surprise evident in his voice.

"Of course, you'd think it's nothing, but it costed me everything I had," Lilith replies. “I said no to the man, thus I denied my creator. I lost my value to him.”

The only worth she had was being fertile and obedient. But she was equal to Adam, how could she be not? They both were created the same way, at the same time, they both had souls and bleeding hearts.

“I gave God the most important and beloved part of my life. He didn’t appreciate it,” bitter smile twists his face as he says it.

Lilith smiles in return, suddenly realizing that it’s funny. Pain. Pain can be funny.

“You gave Him everything, and I gave Him nothing,” makes you wonder what He wants.

"Can I stay the night?" he asks with hope in his blue eyes.

"I’m not sending you off, am I?" says Lilith.

And somehow one night turned into many more.

******

One day Cain stopped looking back, stopped flinching from every little noise. But Lilith got used to his presence before that, got used to being woken up in the middle of the night by the nightmares that haunted him. 

One day he brings her flowers. Not red, but white and blue, modest and gentle. She loves them, truly does, but she keeps dreaming of the red ones.

One day he asks and she says ‘no’, preparing for the worst. It doesn’t come.

One day Cain tells her he killed his brother and that’s why he’s cursed. Lilith doesn’t understand the word ‘kill’. When he explains she still doesn’t get it. Why would anyone do something like that?

“Was he mean to you? Was he a bad brother?”

Cain is silent for some time, caught off guard by strangely simple questions. She patiently waits. He looks at his palms as if they are still burning from Abel’s blood.

“Yes, he was,” seems like it’s the first time he’s admitted it to himself. “And I’m even worse.”

Lilith allows him to draw her close, embrace her and caress her skin in search for comfort. It’s frightening for her to find that she longs for it too.

One day she comes to him and he doesn’t push her on her back, doesn’t show that he’s stronger. And it’s good and Lilith feels warm with satisfaction, not cold from fear and humiliation.

One day he says he loves her. She laughs. She laughs, but tells him she loves him back. She’s never seen him happier. She’s never been happier herself and doesn’t know yet she’ll never be again.

Because one day it’s all over.

******

Carefree, she falls asleep on the soft moss on the riverbank under warm and surprisingly gentle sun. But her dream hits her with torn and sharp vision. A lamb with a cut throat. A big pyre on a hill. A woman crying.    

Lilith wakes up and shakes off the weird feeling her dream has left her with and hurries back. Home. She really has a home now. But all of sudden she stops paralyzed. She is... Is she afraid? Again? She feels something primal crawling beneath her skin. Hair on her arms stand up, goosebumps are all over. She is not cold. The foam on willow leaves seems weird. Maybe there is something with her eyes because she sees red where it shouldn't be.

She just goes and stops only, when she sees that Cain has gotten his blade from where he buried it. That blade he made his greatest sacrifice with, the one he never wanted to see or hold in his hand again. The sight is disturbing, though Lilith can’t say why. Cain is way different from her, he holds every memory close, it shouldn’t be surprised.

“Cain?” she calls uncertainly.

“Am I weak, Lilith?” a simple question.

“You are. So am I. We all were made weak for some reason,” she approaches him and brushes his hair from his face. She hates herself for being afraid again. Of Cain who never once hurt her. "Cain? What is it?" she asks her lover, trying to not betray inexplicable terror inside.

Cain's blue eyes are darkened by cold and twisted shadows are lurking there. He swats her hand away. Once again, she’s reminded of wounded animal. Weak, but dangerous. He catches her arm before she can step back and give him space. Their eyes locked onto each other. The grip on her arm becomes forceful. Like Adam’s that day.

"Let me go," Lilith says firmly. Now she is more angry than afraid. Her other hand is protectively pressed to her belly. It’s an instinctive gesture, useless nonetheless.

Cain’s blade cuts through her thin little hand easily before going deeper, under her ribs. At first Lilith feels nothing. Then the second stab follows, then third… maybe few more, but she doesn’t count. Because the first one was enough.

Lilith hits the ground as soon after Cain lets go of her arm. Blood leaves her body steadily, seeping from wounds and her mouth. Tears gather in her eyes. She wants to scream. But only painful coughs break from her throat with more crimson liquid. All she can think of is.. why? What has she done wrong?

Fingers card through her hair one last time. And the last thing she hears is broken “Forgive me”.

She claws at wet earth under her hands, her nails break and she thinks… no, she knows.

_Never._

******

Lilith doesn't die. She's made better than this, but it doesn't mean she can ignore pain. She lived through a lot. There were wounds from sharp stones and wild beasts. There were sickness, heat and cold. She may have survived worse. But this... this is different. So different that she isn’t capable to comprehend it in full measure.

Lilith closes the nasty wounds up with clay. She was made of it after all. She is going to be fine. Eventually. Yet there is something... something else... Next morning her body burns in even greater agony, it starts in her abdomen, but not where Cain stabbed her.

Somewhat absently she remembers she has been pregnant. It’s a purge. Her damaged, barely alive body rejects Cain's seed and the process is horrid. It finds the way out her body, taking a piece of her with it, leaving a piece of itself inside, forever, because she won’t die.

When it’s over Lilith wraps it into a square of cloth, but is too weak to bury it. She hides under a pile of pelts and passes out into feverish nightmare.

When she makes her heavy eyelids open, she sees someone has started fire in the pit. And this someone also filled her cup with water. It takes her time and effort to sit more or less straight.

Lilith sees her guest and she isn’t surprised. She doesn’t feel grateful or annoyed or anything. Michael doesn’t look at her, eyes locked on the end of the flame. But he hears, she knows. And he listens, always listens. 

"It could have become my... child," she barely pronounces that word, staring at the bloodied cloth. ‘Child’… It sounds alien to her.

Angel nods.

"You tried to warn me, didn't you?" now Lilith thinks all those signs were obvious.

"I wasn't allowed to interfere."

"And yet you tried," why does he even bother with her? "Are you sorry? Even a little?"

"No," simply replies Michael. Lack of sympathy is common between the two of them.

"Good. I'm not sorry too," she doesn't feel regret or pity for herself or this thing. Lilith feels pain and anger. Betrayal. She looks at the bloodied cloth and thinks if she should just leave it here for birds and beasts to feed. Why bother burying it? It wasn't human, it didn't have soul. "Maybe it's for the best," she doesn't cry, she won't, not because of this. "How many times have you made our Father cry?" Lilith suddenly asks her quiet dumb angel.

"Many," he says with vacant expression and after a pause answers her real question. "A lot more than I made him laugh."

And this is more than a reason to not feel sorry. Lilith wasn't made for grief. She was made for love. It becomes a little easier to breath.

******

Lilith heals fast. This nasty wound would take months if she wasn't who she is. She longs to get out of this lonely shelter of hers. She wants to get away from here. Cain has left an imprint on everything he touched, his breath still lingers here. She doesn't feel safe. She is losing herself here. Getting lost in her own home... it's unsettling. But then again... had she ever any right to consider it hers?

Lilith leaves right before dawn with a heavy stone upon her heart. She takes only her bone knife  for nothing else seems of use. She stumbles over familiar roots but she doesn't fall. The further she gets, the quicker her pace becomes, less clumsy. She walked this way before, she can do it again.

She doesn’t count days, but what she learns is that despite how much time passes, it’s still hard to fall asleep alone. It’s hard to walk alone. But to run? Running is easy.


	2. Chapter 2

It is strange to see Adam again after all those years. He looks weary, there is white in his hair and creases crossing his face, but he is still as strong as she remembers him. Now he finds much more use for it than before. He is pushing heavy plough into unyielding soil with a force no other man can imagine. And yet watching his bow backed form she doesn't find any trace of fear inside herself.

It was never a competition and yet she may have won. Adam lost his immortality. Lilith didn’t. Lilith has aged but only in spirit. But she won’t throw it him in the face. She forgave him long ago so she won’t even approach him now. Instead she walks to the well to fill her water bag.

“Wait!” a warning shouted with worry.

A woman hurries to her. She has dark skin and dark hair. She’s old. Lilith just knows it is Eve. Her replacement. True woman, true wife, true mother, everything that Lilith couldn’t be, because she couldn’t be brave.

“Better don’t drink this water. Many have fallen ill recently because of it,” she warns Lilith. “If you go further there will be the spring.”

She has sad and beautiful eyes, deep shadows and wrinkles were laid under. Her hands are rough from all the hard work. Her shoulders are slumped from all her burdens. If anything, it makes her only more beautiful. Lilith expected to feel pity for her. Maybe jealousy. But no. Lilith admires her.

“I see. Is that your husband working in the field?”

The woman seems surprised.

“Yes. Do you know him? Have you been here before?”

Lilith smiles and admits:

“No, I’m crossing these lands for the first time,” probably for the last too.

They look each other in the eye for a long while. Lilith wonders if Eve ever heard of her, if Adam ever remembered her, but she’s not curious enough to ask.

“I hope he treats you right,” not like he treated Lilith.

“We’ve been together through a lot.”

Oh yes, Lilith can imagine. But by the bitter smile she understands that it’s not that simple. She looks at the water in the cup. Pure water turned to poison. Painfully familiar story. She takes out her knife, cuts her finger and lets few drops fall. Blood starts whispering and all Lilith has to do is listen.

She pours the water back into the well and states:

“You bury your dead too close. Cover this well up and dig a new one further.”

Eve has been staring at her wide-eyed for the whole time. Lilith expects her to comment on her craft, but she only says mournfully:

“There are more and more dead with each year. Too many.”

She is going to see many of her children die before her. Abel was the first but he obviously wasn’t the last. Lilith understands but doesn’t know how to sympathize. She’s been living for herself for most of her life and so she will, but Eve is different.

“I should go, sister,” she bows her head a little. “I have a long way ahead.”

“Goodbye, sister,” Eve replies in equal manner. “And… thank you.”

“It’s nothing.”

Only nothing can stay between them. Nothing at all.

******

Nothing is between her and other people. She looks like them, she talks like them, but that’s about it. She finds that she often can’t understand them, that she can’t understand their words even knowing the language. She’s been isolated from them for too long. She doesn’t even try to learn.

Still, Lilith has enough to communicate, to trade her gifts for simple things as food, wine or roof for a night. And she doesn’t have to sleep alone, men and women willingly share their warmth with her, would it be for simple pleasure or just quiet company, for many of them are lonely too.

“Where are going?”

Her current companions are curious. But she enjoys the feeling of someone else brushing her hair, braiding them carefully. Fleeting but flattering attention.

“Wherever my feet take me,” she replies. No use to think about it. The earth is huge and beautiful.

“You should go to Enoch.”

“Enoch?” she’s heard this name many times. City of beauty and blood. City of slaves and gardens. The name sounds like a warning, but now she thinks it’s where her path should follow.   

  ******

Enoch is a place unlike the others. The biggest city she’s ever seen. No one pays her attention, at least not like in other settlements. Walls are made of stone. The city smells with dust and blood above everything else. It’s magnificent, truly. Lilith would never think that human hands were capable of such artfulness, of something so far beyond simple survival needs.

She walks around like in trance, captivated by every small meaningless detail. Embroidery on clothes, flowers in hair, music made not by birds, but human hands, blood on slaves’ lips.  

She walks in the gardens that surround the palace. No one thinks to chase her away, probably taking her for another slave, barefoot, in simple dusty clothes.

Children’s laughter makes her bow her head lower. The older boy leads some sort of a game, younger children are listening to every word he says, staring at him adoringly with such familiar blue eyes, jumping with excitement, clapping their tiny hands… They are alike, their blood sings in unison. Lilith has heard this song before, loud and forceful, and charming to no end…

She isn’t sure what makes her walk away, when one of the girls invite her to play with them. It sure isn’t her mother’s unapproving glare. Maybe it’s heavy steps approaching slowly.

It’s a twilight when she hears loud angry shouting. Outside the stone walls people do not dare to raise their voices this much. It’s simply not safe. But here they are not afraid to be loud, to wear uncomfortable colorful clothes and to not watch their steps. Curious she follows the noise and stops in confusion.

They are throwing stones at a mere child. And a child doesn’t even try to defend himself, just lies there in fetal position and sobs when he gets another hit. Why? Where is his mother? Where is his father? Why is nobody protecting him? But the more questions cross her mind, more stones fly. So cruel. So wrong. So mean.

Lilith doesn’t like mean people.

She rushes into the circle, pushing soft yet cruel people away, stops the stones in the air, catches one and sends it right back with double force. It’s hard to miss. Someone with miserable moans is already spitting his teeth. It becomes quieter as confusion takes over these people.

Without waiting for another wave of anger she takes the boy into her arms and rushes through the crowd. She becomes a shadow and runs. The weight of little body that holds onto her so desperately is almost too light. She runs and her footprints turn and follow different directions. She didn’t need to bother, people here are dumb and careless.

An old empty earthen shack on the skirts of the town invites her into its lonely darkness. Mice hide as soon as Lilith enters and puts the boy down, only now realizing how cold his skin is.

Finally, the child speaks. Meekly. Quietly.

“Why did you do that? Why saving _me_?”

“Why not?”

It felt like a right thing to do.

“I’m bad. I’m… I’m a monster, everybody knows it,” the boy is almost crying.

Lilith met monsters. But only one managed to hurt her. She takes the little thing by the jaw and sees a set of sharp fangs coming out from his gums.

“You are? Then why you are the one that is scared?”

“I…” he stumbles after the first word and chokes on his sobs.

“Is it not because they are bigger monsters than you?” she looks the boy in the eye and sees the answer. “What’s your name child? Where is your mother?”

“I-Irad. My name is Irad. My mother… she had to leave, but she didn’t abandon me!” he’s hurry to add. “She loves me.”

Then why did she leave him here, where people throw stones at him?

“And your father?”

Short but heavy silence follows.

“I don’t have one.”

Lilith reads the lie easily but she doesn’t press. It’s not her business. She just lies back:

“Me too. Who needs them, right?” Irad nods and looks ashamed. Shame doesn’t suit him. “You should leave this place. You won’t survive here. This city will suck all the blood and won’t share a single drop with you,” she knows it, she has seen enough. “I won’t stay either.”

Not thinking twice, she shoves her thin wrist under boy’s nose.

“Take as much as you need,” she bled a lot, now she can bleed for something other than just pain.

He hesitates but Lilith doesn’t let him turn away, keeping his head in place.

“I can spare a lot, Irad,” she assures.

“But… I don’t want to hurt you!” his eyes shine brightly with honesty.

It’s possibly the nicest thing Lilith has ever been told. It’s pure. And sweet.

“I’m used to pain. You’ll get used to it too,” she promises.

He really doesn’t have choice. If he doesn’t sate his thirst now he’ll just get himself killed. The boy isn’t stupid. Sharp fangs break her skin easily and it doesn’t hurt as much as she anticipated. It’s a weird sensation, but not entirely unpleasant.

"Go, child," she tells him. "Go before they find you. If light rejects you, let darkness be your friend. Night loves you. Night is your sister and, when you grow up, she’ll be your most faithful wife. So, trust in her.”

Irad's eyes shine in the dark like two pale moons. He nods and with one last 'thank you' disappears in the doorway, without a sound. Lilith doses off soon after, too weakened and tired to stay alert, too uncaring.

******

She is awake by heavy steps before the one who makes them enters her shelter. She knows the sound of them too well. She knew. She knew who was the king all along.

There is the same ice in Cain’s eyes, just like she remembers. Seeing him so close again Lilith realizes she still loves him. But this love is tainted with blood and can easily be taken for hate. Love, hate... all she knows for sure is that she wants to hurt him.

"Where is he?" demands Cain.

"Who?" Lilith has an urge to claw once beloved eyes out, but her voice is serene.

"The boy."

"Hmm... " she looks at still very lazily bleeding bite on her wrist. "Irad, such a good boy," she chuckles. "I think I understand now..." she returns her gaze to meet Cain’s and she isn't afraid. "He is your son."

Cain visibly tenses and doesn't answer. But that wasn't a question.

"Is that what you were afraid of? That your... our child would become a monster? Like you. Or worse,” she doubts anyone could be worse. She saw his other children. That what they were — just children. He won’t punish Irad for simply existing. "What about your other son then? Is he not a monster? Doesn’t he make his sisters cry? Doesn't he hurt his younger brothers every single day? What makes them different from one that would be mine? What makes Irad a monster?"

"His insatiable bloodlust," Cain says harshly ignoring the previous words. What an irony.

"No, it makes him who he is, he'll die without it. You are the bloodthirsty one, Cain. Don't make it about an innocent child. He is not the one killing his own kin. You, on the other hand..."

Lilith can't finish because long calloused fingers close around her neck blocking the air. She holds his cold stare as long as she can before her eyes start rolling back. He doesn't finish her. His hand lets go and she clutches at his clothes before she can sink to the floor. Her forehead rests on his chest and, listening to unsteady beat, she wishes she could just tear his heart out, like he did to her.

They still share some kind of intimacy. A scary kind. The one that hurts them both. Like they are stitched to each other with unbreakable threads and the needle came through every part of them.

"Leave the city before sunset. Or else you won't leave at all," Cain warns.

Lilith bursts out laughing at this threat ignoring pain in her throat. It’s sounds like a violent coughing fit. When she meets her former lover’s gaze she sees the same man she met the first time, weary, scared, weak and guilty. But there is another her looking from the reflection in his eyes. The one that won’t have pity on him again.

“Goodbye, my dear,” she presses a soft kiss to his cheek and doesn’t stay a second longer.

She leaves the cursed city. She's got nothing to do here. Lilith walks with proudly raised head ignoring stones that were sent flying her way. None could touch her. For she became a shadow. A shadow that one day will grow big enough to condemn Enoch to eternal darkness. Only nobody knows it yet, including Lilith herself.


	3. Chapter 3

Lilith doesn't stop anywhere for long, even when she is welcome to stay, though it's a rare occurrence. It's like people just know she is different from them. Most of them fear, some admire, some even worship, but nobody... nobody loves her. Or maybe... maybe she just doesn't know what love is. She isn’t sure anymore.

More often she finds that people heard of her. The Witch. Lilith the Immortal, Lilith the Beautiful, Lilith the Moon Mistress. Aliases she can't nor accept, nor deny. They ask for her guidance, want to master her power, not even trying to realize how much she paid for this, that only way to power she knows is way of pain and isolation. She can't explain that to anyone, they have to learn it themselves. Pain has become a part of her existence since she traded Paradise for freedom. But she refused to suffer and kept walking.

******

“That’s not God’s work!”

How many time does Lilith have to hear it? This pathetic fearful exclamation. Lilith never bothers to react in any way but indifferent glance. What’s the point in saying that _she_ is God’s work in its finest? Ignorant fools. She just turns and prepares to leave, taking her small reward for her small did.

She doesn’t go far. Rough hand bruises her shoulder as it forces her to face the offender.

“True. God wasn’t here to save anyone,” she says into his face.

It only enrages him further and he throws her on the ground.

She’s saved a life. It doesn’t have to be paid for with another. Lilith can incapacitate him, make him lose consciousness and slip into deep slumber, she can blind him. She can join with shadow and go. She can spare him. She doesn’t. She makes him bleed out through all the holes in his body.

She takes a human life for the first time. No. She doesn’t really ‘take’ it, because she doesn’t keep it. She could. She could catch the shivering soul and consume it. She could drink his blood and eat his heart. She could rob his corpse. She could go and burn his house. Or make it hers. That’s what he would do.

But she just steps over the motionless body and walks away. Her soul doesn’t break in pieces. She doesn’t feel more than she felt when she killed a caught fish for the first time. Nobody dares to stop her after that. And few – follow.

******

She can't say when exactly she started despising the sunlight this much. Needless to say that the Lightbringer wasn't welcome. Lilith remembers him from before, this shining beautiful angel. Once Heaven's pride, now its biggest regret. But she doesn't care for Heaven, God and his silly children.

"Leave my dreams, angel," she commands. "I don't want you here."

"Chasing me away so soon, child?" and his image takes another form.

"How dare you?" Lilith looks at painfully familiar face, but angels can't hide their wings.

"It hurts you, doesn't it?"

"If it does, why would you want to hurt me? I've never done anything to you." She has never done anything to anyone first.

"Oh, dear child, I have no wish to hurt you, but you must be aware that this wound won't heal," suddenly he is standing close and gently pressing his palm to her abdomen. He shows her his hand painted with her blood.

"It won't kill me, so you may take your 'concern' and leave me at peace."

"It won't, because it already did. You'll never know peace."

Simple truth of those words rings in her ears even after she wakes up. The Morning Star comes in her dreams again and again. At first Lilith tries to not sleep at all, but it becomes too hard. She knows his tongue is dripping poison that is unlikely meant as a cure. Sometimes it's sweet, sometimes it's like splinters under her nails. She knows what he wants from her and she isn't ready to give herself completely again.

_You deserve better, sweet Lilith. I admire your strength. How smart you are. I adore your willpower._

He doesn't see her how man sees a woman. He isn't exactly a man either. She likes it, she thinks. She doesn't say yes, she doesn't say no. But she asks what makes him say those things if it's not empty blandishment. He looks at her as if she should already know.

"Because you and I are so alike. Our only guilt is that we happened to be the better part of the creation. We suffer for nothing. And you know why? Why must you suffer so?"

Lilith has her suspicions but she doesn't voice them. She doesn't have to, Helel reads her heart and mind.

"You are cursed, dear child. This how my Father rewarded you at your very birth."

"And this... this curse is..."

"You'll never know love from another. But you know this already. You loved Adam and how he decided to use this love? You loved Cain so much and how he repaid you for all you've done for him? And there were others after him. Everyone left you. Every single one."

"Then it's not their fault," Lilith says quietly, holding back tears.

"So forgiving, child. It breaks my heart," he seems so sincerely sorry for her she wants to slap him and yell to leave. But the lump in her throat doesn't let her. “You were made to love, but not to be loved.”

Lilith makes herself wake up before she lets more venom into her helpless mind. Things that angel has said… they make sense. So, she was never meant to be happy. So what? So what… Her creator played a cruel joke on her. This what it was, because He doesn’t make mistakes. But if He doesn’t, why is His world falling apart then?

******

Lilith refuses to sleep, but Morning Star’s rays find her again and again and his voice reaches her ears promising her things she doesn’t want. He can’t give her everything. Nobody can and the Fallen knows it, but he doesn’t let her rest.

Staring at orange flames of the night fire Lilith caresses soft dark hair of her latest companion who fell asleep resting her head on Lilith’s laps. Young and sweet thing with taste for power. Now Lilith is sure it’s only a question of time when she leaves too. In the end she’s all alone, even if she doesn’t always feel lonely. It’s funny how she thought she didn’t need anything at all. It was Cain who changed her, who broke her and left an empty space she still tries to fill. Before him she was nearly… happy.

She closes her eyes for a moment, trying not to fall asleep. She shudders. It’s almost scary how little noise those wings make. But even if they did, Lilith made sure her lovely companion’s slumber is deep enough to not be disturbed by anything. May she have the sweetest dreams since Lilith can’t.

“There you are,” she looks into her angel’s unreadable eyes. Isaiah is so much more open while being elusive. And more defenseless. “Your brother won’t leave me alone.” It’s not a complaint. Not really. Just a fact. “What have I done to him?”

“Nothing,” comes a quiet reply.

“Every time I close my eyes he’s there, whispering compliments and insults alike. Such a sweet talker.”

Fleeting smile touches archangel’s face and he says:

“He is, especially when there is something he wants.”

“And?” Lilith stands up carefully placing the girl’s head on the ground and comes close to the fire. Yellow petals lick her fingers, wanting to consume her whole. “What will happen if I give it to him?”

Michael catches a flake of fire and lets it grow and bloom on his palm:

“What happens when sun touches you? What happens when you look at the sun? What happens when sun refuses to let you go?”

You get warm. You get blind. You burn. Fair enough.

“I can’t help you,” Michael couldn’t since she stopped being his responsibility. “But you would refuse my help anyway.”

He knows Lilith well. And it irritates her.

“Why me? I don’t want to do anything with you, your fallen brother and your war! I never did! But then your brother shows up wearing _his_ face and doesn’t shut up!” maybe it’s lack of sleep making her so unstable. “Please, just explain why any of this is important!”

She needs a reason to keep fighting Morning Star. Because she knows deep inside that she’s ready to give up.

“Maybe it shouldn’t be important to you,” she barely makes those words from behind the sound of cracking wood.

“Why? Because I’m not part of this world?” her voice is shaking.

“You’ve made your choice. So did Adam and Eve. So did Cain.”

At this point she’s about to break.

"Cain was a bloody coward!" she yells.

"Yes, and he still is," agrees Michael, he doesn't try to excuse her once lover.

"And always will be," Lilith concludes this time quietly. But she... wasn't she a coward too? She was so afraid of Adam and the power given to him over her and she decided that all treasures of Eden were not worth her humiliation. She was afraid of being alone, so she allowed Cain into her life and let him hurt her. "What do you even care? Why do you appear every time when you don’t have to? If it’s not important… if I’m not important…"

"Because I know."

"You are going to lose me to your brother," she whispers. All they do now is fighting and losing, brothers and sisters, torn by some cruel twist of fate. Angels and humans alike.

She looks right at him and he looks back, but both end up looking through each other as fire steals their eyes. When Lilith finally finds hers, she sees that he’s bleeding, wounded from some pointless battle. She crushes the urge to reach out for him. She can’t offer him anything. They can’t help each other.

Michael speaks and Lilith registers the words a little too late.

"I've already given him everything I could. You still can choose. And how can I lose you, if you don't belong to me?"

With that angel is gone and suddenly Lilith realizes that he does know. Only he knows how lost she feels sometimes. On Heaven and Earth only he shares her secret orphancy. But he doesn't, can't love her. She doesn't belong anywhere, to anyone. Home, family, purpose... she has nothing. Only freedom that brought her so much pain and so little happiness.

Next time Morning Star illuminates her dream she speaks first.

"I want Cain on his knees. I want Enoch destroyed to the ground. I want his wives in tears. I want the blood of his children spilled in rivers. I want your God to see it and weep."

That’s what she wants.

Isaiah smiles and asks his question.

******

Lilith says ‘yes’.

And now she is divine. Those heights the angel takes here to never frighten her. His light makes the world so much more distinct. But then... there is a war going on. The War. The one she tried to stay away from. And Lilith is both shield and sword for the archangel. Treasured but still expendable. She takes the beating, Helel throw blows too heavy to be delivered by her small hands. But she’s good at it. Better than she thought she would be.

How strangely satisfying is tearing down angels’ halos and burning their wings to dust, shoving them to their knees. They come in colors, they die empty. Some choose another fate and bow to them. Angels, beautiful angels, she remembers them still unsullied, smiling at her with their kind faces and warm eyes in her first day of being. But she doesn’t feel sorry for them. Now are they more like her, questioning, afraid, weak, forced to make choices…

For the first time Lilith feels fulfilled. Like a whole being, not a lost broken part.

She loves him. It’s impossible not to. After all, she was made to love, he was made to be loved. They were not made for each other but how perfectly they fit together. This can be forever, she believes. He can have her forever, as she can have him. She finally belongs.

******

There is a storm gathering far away. Sky breathes heavily as black clouds try to suffocate it. Azazel… Raphael… for the first time Lilith feels something close to fear from her radiant angel. They need to go there, to stop it before he loses one or both of his younger brothers. But it’s impossible, because Michael won’t let him.

“You won’t interfere,” Michael doesn’t even look at them when he says that. “Father’s order.”

Oh, the reel of emotions is without peer. For her whole life Lilith has never reached such intensity of feelings. Only part familiar is hurt and betrayal. She hasn't loved of hated anyone with such passion. Never wanted to prove anyone anything this much. But then again, she’s never been loved the way Isaiah was.

They attack. But first with her voice and his words.

"Stop this madness, Michael! I don't know what's Father is playing at, but I'm sure you don't want this." No, she isn't. Isaiah isn't sure about anything when it comes to Michael, not anymore. She hopes there is some doubt, any doubt and fallen one will use it against his brother.

But Michael is unaffected by words, unshaken by voice.

Lilith feels her archangel shoving her back deep inside her mind. He doesn’t want to share Michael even with her. She lets him have it. At least this way it won’t hurt. And Helel can’t do without pain. It keeps him going, it fuels his rage, it justifies everything he does. Lilith backs away obediently.

Helel’s brother is on defense, still every strike delivered burns like melting iron.  

They do it after way too much effort. They hold Michael down and their hands find his neck. His skin is like white-hot granite under her fingers. Unyielding. But it melts under their cold hands. It’s silly. Angels don’t need to breath. But it hurts Michael, it’s enough. Enough.

A scream pierces her ears. So much pain and despair, something Lilith is very familiar with. Azazel... brother… Not hers. Earth shaking, but sky is mournfully silent.

Morning Star is lost, she feels his confusion, concern, fear, rage, hate... And while the archangel inside her is trying to come up with decision she notices green eyes of the elder archangel, who's throat is gripped by her little hands. Eyes reminding her of summer, warmth... Michael is looking at her. Not at his brother under her skin, but at Lilith. Blood is dripping out of his mouth, his lips are moving ever so slightly and soundless. And Lilith knows. Knows why she was chosen by the Morning Star. She is just another challenge of Adversary to his brother and Father. The one he won. The one she let him win.

She is not useful, but used. And she saw what happens to overused things. But his light is way to bright, she’s ready to turn blind again.

No, not yet...

And at this moment she rebels. She dares to. It's her soul, her body, she is in control. She is!

Lilith tumbles from Michael.

"Leave!" she shouts. To Michael? To Helel? Doesn't matter, she's tired sick of them both.

She watches Michael's eyes close then open, his wings spread out covering the sun and then he is gone and merciless sunlight cuts into her skin.

******

Helel is angry with her. Lilith is much angrier with him. He used her. Vessel, plaything, nothing... Yet he starts the fight gently, with kind words, with tender brushes of grace inside her.

"Come to your senses, Lilith."

What senses?

"We are so perfect together, you and I, God's favorite creations... The night and the morning that comes after..."

She tries not to listen. But his voice lulls her, pacifying her soul and putting it to sleep.

But it doesn't last long, as soon as new portion of blood touches her lips she awakens. And half-awake she tries again:

"Go away..."

Angel hasn't expected such stubbornness from her. His... their Father didn't either. He persuades her again:

"Don't you want Cain on his knees? Or Adam? Or the whole world?"

She does. Of course, she does. But she can live without it. Like she always did.

"Ah, but you don't deserve it. I should have known you are good for nothing, dear Lilith," angel sneers.

_Leave._

"After all you even failed the only purpose you were designed for."

Of course she did, but she doesn't care. Taunts. Mockery. Nothing she hasn't dealt with before.

"So, maybe you don't need that at all."

Lilith screams. Or she thinks she does. Pain is nightmarish, hurts worse than Cain's blade or his betrayal. Right there. Reminding her what she was left without. Sudden cold numbs the wound for a moment before it starts again, every time like the first time. Lilith grits her teeth and doesn't beg, until all she can do is whimper and sob.

"Do you think yourself so brave, child? Your courage worth nothing, but I admit Michael would be proud of you..."

He wouldn’t be. Because only in his eyes she was always strong enough. And… Michael never called her a child.

"What are you trying to prove to him?" Lilith interrupts him with her shaking voice surprised and angry with herself. It's not her business, but she can't stop the words forming on her tongue. "You call me child, but how are you any better?" Yes, there it is, she managed to strike home.

More pain. But Lilith fights for a bits of satisfaction with all she has.

"He looked at you just how he looked at me, like you're not even worth his scorn, like you're no more than dust in the wind... You think you've hurt him, but he just let you! He could take that from you," and so can she. And so she does.

Divine light is unkind. It burns with affright cold. Her tears start freezing in her eyes.

"Silly child. Ah, of course, you haven't tasted the sin," he hisses inside her head. "Good, bad, such simple things somehow avoided you. You lived like an animal. And you shall die like one."

Yes, Lilith avoided the humanity's curse, but suffered from it no less than any other. Yes, she was stupid. Only smart thing she did was refusing Adam. She should have refused Cain too. Then maybe she wouldn't have gotten the archangel's attention at all. She would’ve stayed forgotten by God, Heaven and Earth. She can't help laughing, gurgling noise tear her burnt throat. And right at this moment she can feel Morning Star's disdain in its full measure. And it's big, bigger than his pride. And it makes her laugh louder.

"Unlike you, I've never been a child," she points before drowning in her crazed agonizing mirth.

Lilith doesn't notice when angel stills, when his light becomes dimmer. But she doesn't miss his uncharacteristically quiet voice announcing:

"Well, perhaps, we should rectify such injustice."

And then another torture starts. A different kind. The one she finds really hard to fight against. Stabs and burns turns into caresses, so gentle, she never experienced such. Adam and Cain were always rough in showing their love. But this... so impossibly soft, so tender without a single purpose but making her feel loved. Unconditionally. Purely. It doesn't demand a reciprocal feeling, but she can't help but lean into every touch her soul craved so much. It allows her to be selfish. It lets her be herself and be loved for that. And she does want to love back. She has to, but there is no coercion. And yet she has no choice.

And this song! Feels like it's love itself. That exact love she longed for. It sooths her pain and lulls her senses.

A mere thought that this can be taken away clutches all her being with terror. There is no way she will withstand it. She survived betrayal of her lover. She doesn't want to outlast this too.

"I am the only one who can love you so. Like father loves his child. My father loved me the best. And yet see what he’s done to me..."

One single slap, even without force to it, is all it takes. Lilith breaks. Shatters.

"I'm making a new you. A better you. And you'll never love anyone more than me."

Lilith realizes he's right. It hurts. Everything hurts.

"Leave..." she says one last time. Her voice is small. Like it is meek child speaking.

The Morning Star has to obey. Funny, how the rule breaker doesn't dare to cross this one line. Because it would mean he won't be an angel any longer and he can't sacrifice that. 

"You will regret this, child," his smile is loving and cruel at the same time. "You already do."

She does. Angel smiles and bows mockingly:

"Nonetheless you have my thanks. We’ve had fun."

He starts spreading his wings, his frozen sharp feathers cut her insides. And there is a whisper in the back of her head that pleads with voice too similar to her own.

_No, please, don't go... Father..._

Too late. She is left behind again. The divine light rushes through her like a sharp blade, blinding her forever, wings tear her chest and lay her heart open. Heart, no one ever believed she had. Heart, now broken beyond repair. Yet it's still beating, with those shards and thorns stuck in it.

She fought. She won. And lost. The price of freedom was too much. Her body is drained. Her soul is scorched.

Lilith gives up fighting. She won't get up and go to be used and rejected again. She doesn't have any energy left, life was robbed from her by that greedy blinding grace. So she curls into herself, making her body so small but less defenseless.

******

After a while, Lilith feels like she's wrapped into cocoon, warm, but prickling and suffocating. It doesn't let light and darkness in or out. Her skin is painfully dry and it feels like it's being peeled away. Her blood runs slow like it's turning to mud, but isn't cold yet. Well, it is obvious, that this flesh, so durable, handcrafted by God himself, has finally reached its limits.

She would laugh if she had enough air in her lungs. She would weep if her eyes didn't feel like two dried up lakes. For the first time in her long-long life she feels like praying. Not for something. Just... just the thought that someone would hear makes her less lonely. But she didn't want to see _him_. The angel leaned over her. That stupid sad angel again. Lilith could still feel his blood on her tongue, too bitter, too sweet, too warm... Red looked good on him, made him look more alive.

"Go away," she forces the words out. "I don't need you here," she can barely hear herself. 

He doesn't shift and Lilith can't understand why it is always him, who has been watching her from the moment she stopped being a lump of clay and who shares the last hours of her life. Her life full of poor choices, her own choices nonetheless. But after all he was her guardian angel whose guidance she rejected. And she thinks she did well, for a human. For a woman. She did everything her little weak hands allowed her to do and even more.

She thinks she can hear a song, can feel a gentle hand in her hair. She’s seen every mother doing that for their children. She envied them both.

Lilith tries to move but her cocoon is too tight. Is that how caterpillar feels inside a chrysalis? Helpless. Bound. But the transformation should make it all worth it or else there is no point in it.

"Will I get wings too?" she muses with her too transparent voice. Wouldn't it be great? Wings, beauty, might and kindness... But then she looks at those giant wings behind angel's back, emptily white, scary and ugly... "On the second thought, I don't want them. I won't have any strength to even open them out... however you do that," she chuckles weakly.

He smiles back, slightly and oh, how she wants to wipe this smile from his face.

"Angels don't lie, do they? Yet... you! You said I could choose..."

He blinks once. And she knows she could and she did. Lilith was free.

"Then why every single choice I made brought me here?" she realizes she sealed her fate when she rejected Adam. Or maybe it was all decided when the Lord's breath touched her face. "Free will is a lie. But once that lie passed your lips it became truth, angel... twisted and cruel truth... but... I... I…" she meant to say 'thank you', but where are her lips? Where are her eyes and ears? She doesn't know any longer. And only that voice that's quieter than any other voice she's ever heard is torturing her:

_Why don't you fight? Why have you broken everything you were given?_

Didn't she try hard enough? No woman could achieve what she has. No man would survive what she has. She's tired. She wants to sleep. Is peace so much to ask for? She doesn't want Paradise, only peace, only freedom...

Is she dying? Maybe it's for the better. She deserved at least this much if nothing else. Become earth and start it all over. Or not. All her life she's been a barren field, needless, dangerous and useless... Her consciousness finally fades away, like those crimson petals she kept dreaming of.


	4. Chapter 4

The cocoon cracks, she wakes up, her eyes open up to meet the daylight. So bright... and she hates it. Her first breath is followed by scream. Everything hurts. Air fills her lungs with fire. And she... who is she? Or what is she? She isn't even sure that she is a ‘she’.

She looks around and everything is dead for miles around her, like life was just sucked out the earth. It was. She did it. That's why it feels like she's going to explode, she consumed so much. And yet why is it so empty inside?

She stands on hot ground and starts walking, fighting the crippling pain that overflows her being. Every step is a torture. The sun is too cruel. Should she stop and lay back on the ground hoping it would take her? Maybe her remains will give life to beautiful red flowers... Red flowers, crimson petals. She wants to cry for some reason. So she just keeps walking.

It's already dark and so cold when she is not alone. Flapping of wings announce a presence of impossibly bright and beautiful creature.

She bites her lip and blood floods her mouth quickly. It tastes wrong. Blood should be warmer, sweeter... hers tastes like ashes.

"Lilith, child..." and oh she recognizes the voice that sounds louder than pitiful noise of his vessel.

Rage, fury... she wants to tear him apart. Do everything he did to her, but she can barely remember what it was. She wants... she wants... She ends up helplessly beating his chest, crying and chanting: 

"Father, father, father!.."

He gently caresses her cracked skin, pets what is left from her hair.

"Look at you, my princess... look how strong you are, my pretty little doll. Let's find you a proper dress."

And he cuts her throat with his nail. But Lilith doesn't die. She is carried away in a black cloud of ash. So she did get wings after all, light and swift, unlike... unlike who? Doesn't matter. Nothing matters. She is not alone. She is not lost.

******

The world is a weird place and people are funny she decides. And very stupid. She knows everything they think about when she wears them. Every lowly desire. Every blasphemous thought. Every disgusting idea. And their naïve dreams.

When their daughters become women, mothers paint their nails and lips with red. It looks funny. But also pretty. Lilith wouldn't mind to be pretty too. Though she doesn't like smell of that blood. She likes children's blood. It tastes good. It’s clean from disease and sin. And it's the only thing that makes her warm.

Lilith likes to wear those little bodies better. Children don't have stupid things in their little heads. They don't want wealth or glory. They want to know why it rains or why fire burns. They think little of laws and rules and morality. And they all are so adorably genuine and cruel and they don’t want forgiveness.

She loves when they scream.

******

Lilith never doubts that Father loves her. But sometimes she doubts she loves him.

“Is it bad that I want to rip your heart out, Father?” Lilith asks quietly, sitting at his feet and looking up at him. She doesn’t feel guilty, but maybe she should. He is her Father.

Father smiles and it hurts. Everything about him hurts, but this smile can bend her fingernails up. She hides her face in his lap.

“Is it? You see, Lilith, that’s exactly the thing I want to do to my Father,” cold fingers brush her hair, threatening to slice her head open. “I love him, more than anything. But all I want is to make him suffer.” His hand forces her to face him again. Not really forces, she doesn’t dare to resist. “Do you love me more than anything, my dear child?”

It’s not a hard question. Nor a tricky one. Not at the moment.

“Of course, I do,” she turns away and hugs his knees. “I always will.”

“Do you hate me more than anything?” quiet words strike from behind making her taste blood.

This one is harder to answer. Does she? Isn’t there anyone she hates more? She thinks there should be. She can’t remember.

 Lilith stands up and touches father’s cold cheeks, runs her fingers through his hair, down his face. He’s beautiful. Unfairly so. He’s expecting and she needs a right answer. Lilith wonders where is this line between wrong and right, so she chooses to be honest.

“I think I do. More than anything, more than anyone,” she assures.

******

Enoch is falling down like sand castles Lilith sometimes builds. It seemed so big and solid, clay mixed with blood and bones is a little less fragile, but still it's nothing for Lilith. Father told her to raze Enoch to the ground. And she does as she’s been told, because she’s a good child.

Lilith skips along the streets that seem familiar and new at the same time. She knocks at the doors and if she’s let in, she purges the house with Father’s white blinding light. One after another. And then she gets tired of being polite. People are mean and don’t deserve even small courtesy. She just crushes everyone she comes across.

They are not going to surrender those souls to God. But why would He care for all these mean bad greedy people anyway? She and Father will find a better use for them.

Little by little she approaches the palace. It looks empty. Everyone who could has already escaped the city. There is the prettiest woman Lilith has ever seen in the gateway staring at the sight of destruction with wide opened dark eyes. There are blood stains on the hem of her dress. And blood on the dagger she holds. It makes Lilith happy for some reason. Maybe because her nose catches the smell of this blood. The woman has killed her own children. So that’s mother’s love.

The woman sinks on the stairs and Lilith is sure she’s about to weep. But she doesn’t, she just watches her city, her life in ruins. She drops the blade when Lilith comes closer, her dark eyes are full of aimless passion.

Lilith brushes her beautiful raven locks with her fingers, putting them away from her pretty-pretty face.

“What’s your name?” she asks gently.

“Zillah,” the woman whispers.

“How do you want to die, Zillah?” Lilith offers her a choice. 

She is scared and looks so innocent. Sweet.

“No…”

“No? Ah, you are too pretty to die,” Lilith says dreamily. “You don’t have to. Come with me, Father will love you,” not as much as he loves Lilith, but he will gladly have Zillah too.

“Father?” Zillah repeats absentmindedly. 

“He is beautiful like you are,” even more so.

Zillah doesn’t seem to care when she takes Lilith’s hand and follows, stepping over dead bodies and lifting her skirt as if it can get any dirtier. She hums a song and Lilith hums along because it sounds nice and sad.

Father is surprised with her present, but in a good way.

“So, Lilith, how are you going to call her?” Father asks, like she is hers, like she is one of the straw dolls little girls love so much.

A name… Something to remember, something to never forget. Lilith looks at the ruins of once beautiful and fearsome Enoch. Now it’s only dust, death and destruction. She has a perfect name.

“Abaddon,” she says.

Azazel laughs and nods approvingly as he sews the wings that once belonged to the angel of Abyss down to scarred burnt back.

******

Time goes by. New battles, new victims, new damage. The beautiful city is buried under the desert and she finds herself drawing things on sand with a stick. It is one of those moments when she doesn't think about anything, like the whole world is gone. The lines disappear quickly, but she makes the new ones... like life and death, things are so fragile, but it's fun to break them. Father watches the motions of the stick in silence smiling about something to himself.

“Helel,” comes gruff voice from behind but Lilith is too busy to look.

Then father laughs so joyfully, so happily, it scares her a little.

"Lilith, child!" her father beckons her. "Say hello to Cain. Remember him?"

The man next to father looks at her in horror. There is big hideous mark on his face. He looks familiar and smells like danger, but she doesn't recognize him.

"No, should I, Father?"

The man seems less tense after that, but still astounded.

"Well of course, Lilith. After all he is the first murderer, Cain," yes, she heard something about it, but then realizes she has much profound knowledge of him, hidden beneath her festering wounds.

"Is he... is he ours now, father?" she asks curiously. She wouldn't mind playing with him.

"I don't know… is he?" father glances at Cain with condescending grin.

And this man, this big scary man, goes down to his knees before Lilith.

"Yours. All yours," there is guilt and desolation and truth. It sounds like he owes her something. Or everything.

Lilith can't help laughing at him, but she hugs him in a moment of joy and something that feels like triumph. She presses her lips to his ugly mark and cries with him.

******

Everything changed when father was caged. Oh, Lilith was happy. He deserved that. When she is near, she comes to his cage and openly mocks him. Sometimes she's crying and knocks at those walls in despair. Lilith is sad, too. Waves of love and hate come over her one after another. She misses Lucifer and detests it. She doesn't want to see him ever again, feel his frozen hands and lips on her skinless flesh. And yet Lilith would kill for it.

Without father there her position is questioned. Hell is in chaos, constant fights for souls separates demons into fractions. But Lilith knows that sooner or later she will rise. This is what she was made for.

Lilith is smarter than most demons. But there are also Father’s fallen brethren. They will be harder to win over.  But she is Father's daughter, some of them can respect that, others will learn to or die.

And here it comes. She doesn't know what exactly, but it's something.

Lilith is in the desert. Here Father and she found Azazel so many centuries ago. Now there is someone who is looking for her. Who would've thought?

"Hello, uncle," Lilith grins at the archangel wickedly. "Missed me?"

‘Uncle’… She’d never call any other angel that. Something about it hurts, but somehow it’s allowed with Michael, somehow it’s fine to hurt when it’s him.

Michael looks at her sadly, but without mocking pity like Samael or Asmodeus. That does look like pity, but she just knows it's something that runs far deeper. Then he answers:

"Hello, child."

She might even love him a little, for not hating her, for not being mean to her, for understanding. But, _Michael is going to kill him_ , a frightful childish voice whispers in her head. And yet somewhere in the shreds of her heart it gives her… hope. Another voice repeats excitedly, with triumph: _Michael is going to kill him!_ She is torn apart by love and hate, and she looks at Michael expectantly. Anything. Anything for their fathers, anything at all… ‘Anything’ – what an awful, terrifying word. One day, no matter how far this day is, she will be able to be brave like Michael.

Something trembles inside her under his gaze. But it dies before she finds out what it was. It doesn't matter, because the angel gives her a dreadful and invaluable gift.

Father's fate itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it. I realize it's rather self-indulgent story, but I'm happy I've finished it. Thanks for reading. And in case you liked it, please let me know, it would mean a world to me.


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